by April | Sep 20, 2011 | Chronic Illness, Encouragement, Expectations, Immune Deficiency
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake from a deep sleep, which should have been restful, but the dreams you had erode that restfulness away? I had one of those last night. Slept hard and long, but awoke with the strangest trepidation.
In a nutshell, my dream brought up feelings I didn’t know I was having. In my dream there was a person who could do it all—and I mean all : work, take care of a home (spotless), cook entirely from scratch (grew wheat to make her own flour then proceeded to grind it and make pasta—as we are gluten free, I wasn’t as jealous of this one), taught her children, made an extra income by buying up goods for cheap and selling them at a garage sale for a profit of $890 (my dreams are always very detailed, even now I have an itemized list of the things she was selling rolling about in my memory)….I think the only thing this figure was lacking was a cape and tight pants. Speaking of tight pants, she also had a killer figure. Anyway, when I woke up and realized I couldn’t do even a portion of what she got accomplished I began to feel like…less.
I think that we all feel the need to do it all. Hopefully we acknowledge we really can’t and let stuff go. But, sometimes those ideas sneak into our heads when we aren’t looking. When we’re tired, ill, or overwhelmed from stress it becomes much too clear we are at our end and aren’t living up to our own expectations. Hmm…there’s that word again (see previous posts).
I think I’ve struggled my whole life to feel like a person of value. I mean, you can know it on paper, but there’s a nagging voice that says, “Do you really believe it?” As I adjust to this life of chronic illness, I’m looking more and more to the Lord for His value of my life, rather than my own. But, in times of exhaustion, relapse, what have you, those voices start wheedling in, stealing my joy—making me nothing.
So, on that note, I’ve got a few Bible verses I’ve looked up to combat the lies. Because, that’s what they are, out and out lies. No matter what condition I am in, I’m of value to the Lord. If I can’t get my house cleaned, He still loves me. If I don’t finish a lesson of math with my kids, I’m still under His grace. If I never feel entirely well again in this life—He’s got my back. He’s got me. Thank God, He’s got me.
The following is from one of my favorite Psalms. Read the whole thing in context here.
Psalm 139: 13-18 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.
When I am awake, I’m still with you. AMEN.
1 John 9-10 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (Full text here)
Romans 5: 6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Full text here)
I hope today that you feel the sacrificial love of Christ wrapped around you and you are insulated from the voices of nothing by the love of Him who saves.
by April | Sep 6, 2011 | Chronic Illness, Encouragement, Expectations, Food Allergies, homeschooling, Thankfulness, Uncategorized
Right now, uppermost in my mind, is the beginning of our school year. We homeschool our children—have from the very beginning, and intend to go all the way through high school.
People not familiar with homeschooling usually ask me what the benefits are of schooling at home. First and foremost, it’s created a bond in our family that I don’t think we’d otherwise have. It’s also allowed my children to not only learn about our faith, but see it lived out in our daily lives. God’s definitely not just for Sundays around here. They also have opportunities to try out many different areas of focus—where as the public school system just can’t afford the staff to do that. We hold a belief that God grants each of us a gift—and that gift is to be used to bring Him glory (rather than ourselves). We are blessed to see their gifts growing and encourage them in their use. My son is on his way to being a building or robotic engineer, and my daughter has a passion for drawing and working with children. I don’t know how the Lord will use these gifts, but I do know that if my children are looking to Him, He will.
Every year we begin and I think to myself, “This year is going to be normal.” By that I mean things will go according to schedule with no hic-ups. I don’t know why I think this every year—it has never gone the way I expected. Ever. The first year we formally home-schooled I was pregnant with my second child and, unlike many other lucky mom’s out there (but I’m not bitter), I spent 9 months throwing up about 9 times a day. It’s rather hard to teach like that. Then the next year, we had an infant—this posed some problems. The next year, that infant was a toddler—more issues! Then my health started to go awry. Then my son’s health began to challenge us. That’s been a pattern for the past several years, really. Some how though, through all of this, my daughter, and then my son, learned to read, write, spell, study the Bible, history, science, grammar, vocabulary, robotics, art, and math (these are not listed in order of importance).
There’s a well used verse in Christian circles: Proverbs 22:6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
These past nine years have held some important lessons for us all. I think all our food allergies and health challenges have brought the idea of God’s providence clearly into view for my children. They are learning from a young age that God is directly involved in all aspects of our lives–and we can and do rely heavily on Him for our day to day strength. God’s word is active and alive in our lives, not just stories printed in a book. Most importantly, prayer isn’t something to do when you are caught in a jam, but an ongoing conversation with our heavenly Father.
SO, what’s this year going to look like? Is it going to be normal? After 9 years of doing this, I think the answer is unequivocally ‘no.’ However, this year, as I learn to put my health in the Lord’s hands, I’m turning over every other aspect in my life to Him as well. What are my expectations of our school year going to be? We’ll be putting one foot in front of the other as we all keep our eyes on Him.
by April | Aug 29, 2011 | Chronic Illness, Encouragement, Expectations
Because of chronic illness this year, I’ve been watching the world pass me by primarily from my window—or my computer. In doing so, I’m continually surprised when my children usher in a new season. They like to find the first day of Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall on the calendar. Pretty soon they’ll flip the calendar and shout, “Happy first day of Autumn!”
I’m reminded how fast time really does go by us all. If you are out in the working world, or out at all, you notice the signs. A new crispness to the air in the morning, more dew on the car, school supplies going on sale and the changing leaves on the trees indicate Fall—even more so than the dates on the calendar changing. But, when you are primarily indoors, as I have been, you miss these signs and it feels like time is sneaking past you!
When I first started noticing that the world was passing me by, I felt frustrated and more than a little helpless. I mean, I’m a doer. I have projects. I get stuff done. Well, now I still get stuff done–but I’m learning to delegate the projects. This takes more planning ahead. I can’t just get it into my head to go organize something. I have to line up the crew to get it done. Like, the garage. You know, that place where everything you can’t deal with “now” goes and waits for you…and multiplies? Usually, I head out there every couple months and attack it. But I can’t do that anymore–not without risking my health. SO, today my kids and parents helped clean out the madness. It’s still pretty “stacky” out there, but all the dust kitties are swept away and the broken, unnecessary things are gone.
As I mentioned in my last post, the more I let go of my own expectations and ask God what His expectations of me are, the easier I feel in my spirit and the more I am at peace with my circumstances. This isn’t an easy thing to do–it takes prayer and practice. And patience. So, if like me, you are feeling caught in a down-time not of your own choosing (or perhaps a whirlwind of schedules) just remember that God knows every detail. Take some time and ask Him what He’d like to do with you while you wait for the next season to change.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. (Full chapter here).
by April | Aug 20, 2011 | Chronic Illness, Encouragement, Expectations, Writing
Well, as ordered by my husband, I made it to the Oregon Christian Writers’ summer conference. Because of my troubled health, I had no idea at all how I would go about getting there, or walk around, or last through the day—but God is good and He supplied my need.
I didn’t last out full days, but I didn’t expect to. I went with the hope that I could attend a couple classes, maybe meet with some professionals in publishing, and gain some encouragement and fellowship. All those things happened, and more. This, in part, is a lesson I’m learning. You’ve probably heard the old adage that is somehow supposed to reduce stress: Just let go. Or Let go and let God. Catchy bumper sticker counseling.
I have preconceived ideas about my life and how it will work all stored in my head. So far, I can tick a few things off the expectations list. I married a man who loves the Lord (check). I have two children (check). I always wanted a boy and a girl. They were to be named Lucas and Ashley (twins) and we would live in a white Victorian (cue fluttering rose petals). Achem. I DO have a girl and a boy, but those are not their names and I’m still waiting on the Victorian. I would learn to play the drums (in process, check). I would have a dog (I have two cats, one of which acts like a dog…check?). I would swim with dolphins (eh…not yet). I would be a novelist (working, working, working on that one).
I have to admit, that no where on my list are the words chronically ill.
Honestly, though, platitudes have never done a whole lot for me. Perhaps what that philosophical nugget should say is: Let go of your expectations and hang on to God.
Usually, I’m nervous, tense, what have you, when I go to meet with the professionals who have looked over my mini-proposal and hold my fate in their hands (drama). But, do you know what? When you are as fatigued as I am, you have no energy at all left to be tense. Was I worried? No. Did I relax and have a nice time? Yep. Note to self: remember this lesson!
There’s an often quoted verse in Jeremiah where God is speaking to the people of Israel. A lot of people take comfort in that God has plans for them. But, I think sometimes they forget the verse is about what God is hoping and planning for them, not what they are planning for themselves.
I’ve been invited to submit full proposals to a couple places. That feels nice and hopeful (although, I’ve been here before, so I’m not getting giddy!). We’ll see what happens.
Jeremiah 29 11:14 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. (Read it in context here).
by April | Jul 1, 2011 | Chronic Illness, Encouragement, Immune Deficiency
I’ve been pondering the idea that good Christians don’t complain—no matter how difficult their circumstances. Since I’ve been dealing with illness for the past couple…er…many years (see previous posts) I’ve had a lot of time to think about this.
I’ve heard the following statement many times; maybe you’ve heard it too:
“They suffered from (insert type of suffering here) for ages, and not once did they complain or ask why me!” (This is usually said with an admiring voice.)
I don’t know about you, but statements like that can make me question my faith.
I’ve read many books on suffering (there’s some great ones out there) and none of them chided me for feeling down, for feeling at odds with myself, or for questioning God’s plan for my life. Instead, they were all about comfort in God’s word and encouragement for the day. In fact, the Bible has dozens of examples of people crying out to the Lord in their time of suffering. Job, David, Moses, Abraham, Jacob (he even wrestled with God, remember?), Paul, and my especially my Savior. Each one followed their pleas and prayers with submission that God’s will be done. They were honest in their plight, in their pain, and God comforted them.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not okay to shake your fist at God—but He certainly expects us to cry out to Him in our time of need. It’s clear from His word that He loves us—and what loving father would turn a deaf ear on their child’s suffering? Even if we don’t feel His presence due to our circumstances, He’s with us, every step of the way.
God desires intimacy with Him. If I’m not honest in how I feel, then I’ve built a blockade between Him and me. If I hide away my pain and put on the “happy shiny people” face, then I’m also not being honest with those around me. And that gets in the way of opportunities to love and comfort others.
Let me ask you this: who are you more likely to turn to when you are in need? A friend who puts on the happy shiny face and pretends life is all sunshine and rainbows even when they are falling apart, or the friend who has a close intimate relationship with God, and has learned to lean on Him during hard circumstances, sharing their joys as well as pains?
God’s Word says: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God (emphasis added). For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. (2 Cor 1:3-7).
In the past few months, I’ve had people come alongside me to comfort me, and having been blessed by that, I have been able to come alongside others and be a comfort to them. I haven’t had all the answers (not my job, thankfully), but I’ve been there. Oftentimes being there, praying or just listening, can make all the difference in a person’s day. Although this has been a very hard time, experiencing both sides has blessed me beyond measure.
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake from a deep sleep, which should have been restful, but the dreams you had erode that restfulness away? I had one of those last night. Slept hard and long, but awoke with the strangest trepidation.
