by April | May 12, 2012 | Chronic Illness, CVID, Thankfulness
I’m sure there are a lot of blogs about Moms going up this weekend. And I’m no exception. But, I’ve got a bit of different take.
A year and a half ago I became a different kind of mom. I’m now a mom living with chronic illness. Up until then, I was a get-er-done mom. A homeschooling mom. A supportive mom. A writer mom. I kept a fairly clean house, I kept us organized and on track. But then, my CVID (Common Variable Immune Deficiency, or Hypogammaglobulinemia) went full-blown. And I went down. Hard.
I’ve had to change my idea of what a mom is and what a mom does and adjust my expectations. My kids have always been good kids. Thoughtful and considerate. But, things have changed with them during all this, too.
My kids notice when I don’t feel great. They tell me to go sit down. They take tools out of my hand and say, “That’s enough, Mom.” My daughter, in particular, will tell me to go lay down, sit down, stop. One particular day, I must have looked pretty done-in because after my daughter told me to go lay down, she proceeded to cook our dinner, get it all served and get her and her brother ready to go. I woke up to steak, potatoes and a salad. I have to admit, it tasted ten times as good as normal because she made it for me.
My kids are a huge blessing to me. I’ve often apologized for not being able to do more things, for not being able to keep up—but they just tell me, “It’s not your fault you’re sick. We love you.”
SO, this is a blog shout-out to my kids. I know it’s not easy living with a mom who gets worn out unexpectedly, who tells you to take a bath whenever we’ve been out in public (to protect us from germs I can’t fight), who won’t let you go certain places because you might get exposed to things—and most painful, who can’t hug you when you are sick. I know it’s a drag when I can’t run off to the park when it’s pretty out because my energy is already spent by noon. Or play games as often. Or, well, fill in your blank.
I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you both. How blessed I am to have you both in my life. I thank the Lord he gave you to me.
Psalm 173: 3-5 Children are a heritage from the Lord,offspring a reward from him.Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man (woman) whose quiver is full of them. (full text here)
by April | Apr 26, 2012 | Encouragement, Faith
My son will also do just about anything to stay out of trouble. I don’t mean actually avoiding trouble (he’s 9), but he hates to be caught at doing something wrong. Instead of fessing up, though, he just starts to yell, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” at the top of his lungs. It’s not a real apology—it’s just him trying avoid the consequences of having done something wrong.
So, the other day, during one of his sorry screaming fits, I came out with something brilliant. So brilliant that it convicted me to my bones. “You’re not really sorry. If you were, you’d quit doing the behavior you keep apologizing for, and you’d never do it again.”
Wow. Who said that?
It was one of those moments the flashlight I was shining on him turned back around and smacked me in the eyes. Don’t you hate when that happens? You’re busy trying to make an example out of an issue and it turns out…to be relevant to you.
No, this isn’t one of those dark confessions kinds of blogs. But it was worth thinking on. How many times do I repeatedly mess up and need to go to God and ask for forgiveness for the same thing? Everyone has issues where they fail and need to start over, and thankfully, God’s goodness and grace prevails through the glory of Jesus, and He remembers our sin no more. But I have to wonder…is He shaking His head at me when I ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over again? Am I like my son, screaming I’m sorry at the top of my lungs just to avoid punishment?
Sometimes, it’s hard to say I’m sorry. I think those are the times we are being the most thoughtful about it—the most meaningful times. When I’m really sorry, it takes me a while to come around to it. I have to put down my ego and my pride and go to the person I’ve wronged. It’s very humbling. It’s life changing. It’s me changing.
1 John 1:5-10 This is the message we have heard from him (Jesus) and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. (full text here.)
by April | Mar 4, 2012 | Chronic Illness, Encouragement, Expectations, Prayer
I’ve been helping my son clean his room. I have to do this in bits and pieces, because my energy level is in the tank, and if I work for more than an hour or so, I get a raging headache and start to feel sick to my stomach. I can work so long, and then I meet the wall. Meanwhile, we’ve discovered that although his room appeared clean, he’d actually been shoving stuff behind other stuff and cramming things behind other things for quite some time! Anyway, while cleaning, we’ve been putting aside toys he no longer uses or that he’s outgrown. One in particular, a battery operated toy chainsaw, brought up a vivid memory of a time where he tried to help me.
A few years ago, in the middle of a huge windstorm, our fifteen-foot long, twelve-foot high hedge fell over—into the street. It just so happened that my husband was recovering from surgery, and I was unable to uproot it enough to move it out of the way (picture me in a rainstorm in the middle of the street, pulling on a rain soaked hedge). And it had to be moved. So, we called on some friends we knew owned a chainsaw and a truck that could haul it away. We told them how much we needed their help, and they came.
As we were working in the rain, I head a funny noise on the porch. Standing there was my son—age 5—with his very own ‘chainsaw’. He wore his safety goggles and was revving the engine. I almost laughed at the cuteness, but I could see the seriousness in his eyes, so I bit my lip instead. His dad was down, but he, as the other man of the house, was going to do his best to help. I had to explain that his chainsaw wouldn’t quite do the job, but I told him he could help load the branches that were being trimmed down. That satisfied him—but I could see the disappointment in his eyes.
I feel that disappointment some days, too. I have an idea of what I want to do, and how I’m going to do it—I love to help others, I love getting things done. These days, I’m having to learn what I want to do isn’t always what I’m able to do. Talk about frustrating! I never thought I’d be praying for the strength to clean my son’s room. Or praying for patience with myself (from whence my frustration arises!). Or asking God to remind me when I need to take a step back (I’m a push-through kinda gal). There’s a verse that keeps going through my head:
Psalm 121: 1-2 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. (full text here.)
When your will meets the wall, what do you do?
by April | Feb 19, 2012 | Encouragement, Expectations, Food Allergies, Perfectionism
Because of my family’s food allergies, we’ve become major label readers. And I have to admit, it’s disheartening sometimes. I mean, they sneak gluten into just about everything. Egg and dairy are all around us. Sometimes, just walking through the store, you feel like food companies are out to get you!
I was at the grocery store today, looking for relish that didn’t have food coloring in it. I know…food coloring? Cucumbers are green! Silly companies! Guess what? Couldn’t find any. My thought processes started buzzing. American food companies are following the way of the fashion industry. You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about—try to follow my though process, it can get a bit convoluted at times. American food companies are doing what the fashion industry has been doing for years. They are covering up imperfection in foods with dyes (rather like style mags cover up their models with airbrushing). But…in pickles? I’ve seen homemade relish and pickles—yep, still green. But, dare I say, not green enough? (Just an FYI—the foods the US exports to Europe have to be free of dyes because of a ban they instated due to safety concerns. I’ll let you ponder that one.)
Now, take a leap with me: our striving to cover up imperfection can get in the way of our spiritual life. A lot of people get so focused on the surface, they don’t ever take a peek inside. They are worn out trying to live up to other’s expectations. They are exhausted trying to be perfect and to do it all. People might put off starting a deeper relationship with their creator until they’ve got it all together. I do that sometimes, too. I plan to have a time set aside to spend with the Lord. But, I’ve got to get all these other things out of the way first! Or worse yet, people try to become perfect enough to approach God on their own.
The Bible says we can’t do it by ourselves. That we’ll never measure up, never be perfect enough to approach God. In our American perfectionism, this is rather a bummer. You mean, I can’t cover up my sin enough to approach God on my own? Mix in a little food coloring to make myself brighter and more appealing? Not so much. The good news is, Jesus says that if we accept Him as our savior, He’ll approach God for us. He’ll be our intercessor. God will forgive our imperfections and sins because the One who is perfect died in our place. We don’t have to wait until we have it all together, or cover up our sins or short comings, to deepen our relationship with God. We just have to accept the gift of grace Jesus offers to us.
Romans 5: 7-11 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. (Read in context here.)
by April | Feb 14, 2012 | Encouragement, Jesus, Love, Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine’s Day. Now, I know that the validity of this day is often called into question by naysayers who claim the greeting card industry started it all—but if you do a bit of research, you’ll find it was first founded by a pope to honor Christian martyrs. Then, in the 15th century it turned into a day to honor loved ones via gifts of candy and notes. And THEN the greeting card companies got into the game. So, people get all worked up about how it has to do with marketing and…well…it probably has a lot to do with it. After all, candy sales go up, and so do flower sales. But, it’s also a good excuse to tell loved ones how much they mean to us.
When I was in high school, my school sold roses on Valentine’s day to make money for programs. And every year I hoped to get one from someone—but I never did. A couple times during the day, rose deliveries would be made in the classrooms, and I’d hold my breath, thinking maybe some unnamed admirer would confess their crush through a rose. Throughout the day, you could see clearly who was ‘loved’ by the rose placed prominently on their desk, carried proudly to each class. For me, though, it was not to be.
What I did not know at the time was that one day I’d marry a man who gave me flowers throughout the year. A man who would make personal sacrifices for me time and again. Who would do anything to protect and provide for me and our two kids. Who would stand by me in trial, pray for me during illness, and rejoice with me in blessings.
And as wonderful as I think my husband is (and you may think your significant other is), there’s One who loves us better. He set the standard on love—one that we can’t possibly meet without Him.
But, maybe you’re not feeling so loved or lovely. You’re thinking, “What’s love got to do with it?” You might even be angry at where you are in life. If you are today like I was once, wishing and hoping to be loved and appreciated, feeling unnoticed—know that you are not only noticed, but fully known. And that sacrificial love has been given to you, a free gift for the taking.
1 John 4: 7-12 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. (read in context here)
I’m sure there are a lot of blogs about Moms going up this weekend. And I’m no exception. But, I’ve got a bit of different take.
