April McGowan

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

Sometimes, I find it hard to write. Some days my head is so wrapped up in my own troubles, it’s hard to think clearly. I’ve been having such a time for the past couple weeks (thus my lagging blog).

So, here’s what’s up: At long last, after months of waiting and dealing with insurance companies and changing doctors and confirming diagnoses with second opinions, I’m getting ready to start treatment of my CVID (Common Variable Immunodeficiency). The intro packet from the medication company has arrived (still have to watch the how-to video), and I was just called and told my medication and pump will arrive on Friday. The last step is waiting for the nurse to call me and set up three training sessions.

It’s been a struggle getting here. And now that the day is near…I find I’m filled with trepidation. This is a life-long treatment—one I’ll have to do weekly, and that will cost a lot of money. Questions fill my head: what if it makes me feel worse? What if it doesn’t work? What if this is the quality of my life for the rest of my life?

I’m not often led by fears. I admit I don’t like the unknown. I like to know what’s coming, which is probably why I’m not excited about this. Logically, I know that I should put my hope in the unchanging love and care of the Lord. But, sometimes, logical thinking doesn’t help keep my emotions in line!

After joining a PIDD (Primary Immunodeficiency Disease) support group, and hearing some of their trials and challenges, I realize that God has orchestrated a lot of things in my life to get me to this point. I’m thankful I’m not sicker. I’m thankful that I live within an hour’s drive of my immunologist (many folks have to drive 3+ hours to see one experienced with PIDD). I’m thankful that God has provided the money it’s going to take to pay for this. I’m thankful that I’ve got an excellent primary care doctor after many years of searching for that right connection. I’m thankful my doctors listen to me (this is a rarity, unfortunately, for many PIDD sufferers). As the list I type continues, I’m seeing a pattern here—that God does indeed have things in hand, and that I need to rest my fears on Him instead. I’m so thankful that I can.

I’m reminded that the Lord knows I was born with this. He’s known what is coming my whole life. He knew I’d grow more ill over time, knew where I needed to live to get good treatment, knew I’d need a wonderful supportive husband and kids–knew this was going to be hard. Although we aren’t near our families, we’ve been mightily blessed with supportive, praying friends nearby who understand and are there for us. You know who you are—thank you doesn’t begin to cover it. But, thank you.

When you feel afraid, how do you remind yourself of God’s ongoing provision in your life? I’d love to hear from you.

Romans 8:31-39 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (read the whole passage here)

4 Comments

  1. Billie Jo Robbins
    Jan 19, 2012

    When I feel afraid, I try to remind myself to do exactly what you are doing. Remembering how God has been with you in the past, and seeing Gods hand in all the trials He has brought you through already. I also played it out in my mind…IF I feel this way the rest of my life, will that change God?..Will he still take care of me?..Will he give me the strength to carry on?..The answer has always been yes. It may not be what I want…and there in lies the rub…that struggle, thats what life is ultimately all about. Am I willing to give up what I want, and live joyfully with how God sees my life…Sometimes the answer is yes…and sometimes honestly it is no..But with time, patience and prayer, God so far has always brought me around to His way of thinking on things…I am prayfully ,hoping that this treatment will be one with very few minor side effects, that God will provide financially for you to receive it, that it will bring you back to excellent health, and that God would receive all the glory!…

    • amcgowan
      Feb 8, 2012

      Thanks for sharing that, Billie Jo. I so admire how close you walk with the Lord. Blessings!

  2. Lorna G. Poston
    Feb 8, 2012

    When I’m afraid, I remind myself God has always provided, and He promised to never leave me or forsake me. He promised to deliver me if only I ask and believe.

    • amcgowan
      Feb 8, 2012

      Lorna, He is definitely holding us all in His hands. Thanks for sharing!

What do you think? Leave me a comment :)

%d bloggers like this: